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How Do You Handle Gossip In The Workplace?

Are you the target of gossip, the gossiper or the one who has to listen to everyone's gossip?
By Cheryl Hightower Marchio

Generally we will notice when we are being gossiped about BEFORE we notice that we may be doing some gossiping ourselves. When we hear gossip about ourselves it hurts. Even though we will often say “I don't care what others think of me”, there is a certain shock that goes through our bodies when we discover that someone is saying less than flattering things about us.


Gossip in the workplace can challenge even the strongest person. We spend so much time with our co-workers that when we can remedy the on going discomforts, we have an opportunity to enjoy the place where we spend so much of our time.

Let us first clarify what defines gossip. Wikipedia says that it is idle talk or rumor. “Rumor” is an unverified account or explanation of events circulating from person to person. It has been said that “rumor “ lacks a particular definition in the social sciences and is not quickly or ever confirmed. I think we could all agree that anything that falls under the following three categories can be considered gossip

.

1) Is it untrue?
Truth is a relative term since we all see things from our own perspective. So it is NOT gossip if we heard the “thing” from the person themselves and they gave us permission to share. Period. If we hear it from someone who heard it from someone and so on...it can become distorted just like the game “operator” we played as kids. You sit in a circle and the first person whispers something into the second person's ear, then the second person whispers something into the third person's ear and so on. The goal is to see if the initial words that were spoken are the same by the time the circle is complete. In my experience, it rarely happens. Do you have the subject's “truth” and their permission to share? Bottom line.

2) Is it unkind? We, as human beings, sometimes forget to treat others with the same kindness that we would like to be shown. When we speak unkind words about someone to someone else, it will probably get back to them. That's a “double hurt”. Not only have we spoken negatively about that person, but we have also invited others to share in that feeling of negativity. So if what you are saying to someone about another person is NOT something you would like to hear about yourself if the tables were turned, it is probably unkind.

3) Is it NOT being said to the person that is being discussed? This one is challenging for many people. It can be very scary to address an issue you are having with someone. Especially in the workplace. It may turn into a discussion with everyone EXCEPT for the person with whom you have a conflict to resolve. That can turn into an even bigger issue because it will probably end up getting back to that person anyway. By the time that happens there will be more to resolve than just the original issue at hand.   If you have been speaking about this person in an undesirable manner and they have heard about any ANY of it, more drama has been created. Now there is more to discuss when the conversation finally takes place. On the other hand, if the conversation never takes place, additional drama only creates a more uncomfortable environment.

Why do we gossip?

We are afraid to face the person or subject where the issue lies.
We are unaware that we are doing so because it is so easily slipped into normal, everyday conversation. We believe a little venting will make us feel better. (which can be true if you are venting from a solution oriented standpoint with a solution oriented person while keeping it truthful and kind). We are trying to make ourselves “look better” or get a little attention by making someone else wrong.

• It can be a way to fit in with people who enjoy gossip and becomes habitual over time. Having a better understanding of why we gossip helps us to create more compassion towards each other. It is often coming from a place of fear or unawareness.

Points to consider: If someone is gossiping to you, they may also be gossiping about you. When you become a non-gossiper, you become a much smaller target for gossip.

Every solution begins with you
I'm not going to say that you will change your work environment overnight. What I will say is that you can start with your own personal changes that will begin to make you feel a little more comfortable immediately. Your positive changes may even begin to spill over into your co-workers. You could become a good example that will create a ripple effect within the area where you spend most of your time.

Whether you are a target for gossip, a gossiper or the person who has to listen to everyone's gossip...the first step is the same for everyone. If you TRULY want change to occur...STOP GOSSIPING!

Now you understand, more clearly, what constitutes gossip. You can be more aware of when it is happening. Some of you may not have even realized that you were gossiping. Now you know and you can make a conscious choice. Are you going to be part of what you see as a problem in your workplace or are you going to be a walking, breathing solution?

If you make a choice to be part of the solution and stop gossiping immediately...make sure you do not tell everyone else that they need to stop gossiping. What you can do is share what you are doing with someone you trust. They may want to join you. When people begin to notice your changes they may have questions and you can feel free to share what you are doing. If you have a strong reason to tell someone to stop gossiping (you are an employer or someone just keeps bringing you gossip) then please make sure that you have already stopped yourself. We do not want to ask this of others if we are not practicing it ourselves.   Behavior is best taught by example. Whenever we begin practicing a new behavior it can be uncomfortable.

Especially when we are used to interacting in certain ways with certain people. It may take some time to get used to your new behavior of nongossiping if it has been a common practice for you. It may take others some time to get used to it as well, especially the people that commonly engaged with you. Rest assured that it will get easier over time. You may even find that you enjoy the way it feels to be a little bit kinder than you already are. A really nice side effect is witnessing your heart opening up to the wonderful possibilities of new friendships. We all have the same basic desires. Why not help each other meet some of them through a little extra care? Don't you think it feels nice when someone treats you with a little more kindness than necessary?

What do you do when someone is gossiping to you? You can say (in your own words) “Why don't you go talk to insert name about this. There is a good chance that he/she doesn't know you're feeling this way and would appreciate an opportunity to clear it up.” Then it becomes the responsibility of the gossiper to either confront the issue or find someone else to listen to the gossip. You have offered a very caring, logical solution and decided not to participate. The rest is up to them. You may decide to offer some help in how to approach that conversation if they are feeling nervous. That is a very nice gesture if communication is one of your strong areas.

Are you the target of gossip? If you are the target of gossip, the first thing I suggest you do is take an honest look at yourself. Are you kind to those you work with? Do you gossip about your co-workers or your boss? Do you get caught up in drama? You may not have realized that you've been doing these things all along. Now that you have a better understanding, you can correct your behavior and it will most likely be very well received. As was stated earlier, when you become a non-gossiper you become a much smaller target for gossip. I repeat this because I believe it to be one of the most important points.

Next, answer these questions for yourself.   Do you conduct yourself in the same manner that you expect of those you work with? Do you listen to what people are saying to you? Do you make an effort to understand and communicate clearly? Are you doing the job you are expected to do? If these are areas in which you feel you could pay more attention, then get started right away. Remember, it's okay to ask for help.

People will take notice once you begin to make more of an effort.   Give them an opportunity to get to familiar with your new behavior. If you are doing all of the above, you are giving yourself and others a chance at some very rewarding friendships. At the very minimum, you have removed any reason for gossip. If you have the desire, you DO have all the power and strength to turn this around! You can do it! Gossip has been part of daily activity in places of work for a very long time. It is up to you whether or not you chose to participate. I'd like you to think about this. Who do you trust more...someone who is talking negatively about other people or someone who is not?  

Do you want to be someone who is trusted? It seems that would be a fairly important attribute in the work place. What if you became so trustworthy that if someone did hear something negative about you they would not believe it to be true? If you take the first step and stop gossiping, you may blaze a trail for everyone else.   Even if they decide not to follow, you will still have done your part and made a difference. Always remember... change begins with you!
   
 

Letting go...

Watch It Bring A FREE Car Right 
To The Front Door! By Cheryl Hightower Marchio

How do you feel when you think about where you are in your life right now?  Do you ever feel like you want more of something?  More quality relationships, better health or more money?  Do you ever think 'How do I get more of what I want?"  Or even  "Do I even know how to define what I want?" 

It is human nature to want more, to be better.  Some of us have very clearly stated goals and a plan in which they will be implemented.  Some of us don't.  For many of us, these desires are simply wishes that we've started to feel may never come true.  We have hopes and dreams but not a plan. 

Although we are all at varying places in our lives, we all have similar desires.  We want someone to love, we want to feel a purpose in life and we want to be able to take care of our financial needs.  The perceived successes of each individual, however, will vary greatly.  Remembering that each journey is a very personal experience, there can be many different definitions of success.  We will use money as an example.

Person #1  may feel it has been a very successful month because the bills are paid and there is food in the fridge.

Person #2  may feel success because they've saved enough money for a vacation or home repairs.

Person #3  may feel success because a credit card has been paid off.

Person #4  may feel success because they were able to keep their heat turned on.

Person #5  may feel success because they've earned their first million.

The list could go on and on.  There could be as many reasons as there are people. 

The question is "How do I get more of what I want?"

No matter where you are in your life right now, you can begin to bring in more of what you want.  The tricky part is this... you first have to accept your current situation.  I don't mean that you have to accept it as your fate.  I mean that you have to say, this is where I am now and I begin from here.  When you accept that you are where you are, you have let go of resistance and change can happen. 

Resistance will keep you from attracting the things that you desire into your life.  I am going to give you an excellent example of how letting go of resistance brings more abundance into your life.  I also want you to understand that abundance comes in many forms and can pertain to any aspect of your life. (ex. health, relationships, money, etc.)

First, a quick description of the Law Of Attraction.  It means like attracts like.  What you most think and feel about will continue to show up in your life. If you are happy, more things to make you happy will enter your life.  If you are perpetually in a state of resistance, more things to resist will be drawn to you.  Ain't nobody got time for that!

A few years ago I was living by myself and having a bit of a time keeping my head above water financially.  My car payment was very late and I was dangerously close to repossession.  I knew I couldn't make the necessary payments needed to keep it.  I was very upset it had come to this.  I was holding on so tightly to the idea of needing this car that it would make me physically ill just thinking of losing it.  I had so much resistance towards living without a car.  

Then a miracle happened.  I experienced the power of letting go.  I accepted where and I was.  I knew that was the place in which I needed to begin. A calm came over me. I knew exactly what to do.  I would voluntarily turn In my car.  I lived close to town, had a bicycle and love to exercise!  There was even a bike trail that led straight to my place of work!  Being in Michigan, I knew how fortunate I was that it was summertime and I would have an alternate solution by the time the weather turned.  Problem solved!  I instantly felt relief and knew that better days were on my horizon.  The moment I made my decision to let go I felt lighter.  I knew I could now more easily attract better feeling things into my life because I wasn't consumed with worry. 

Three days later I turned in my car and began to ride my bike.  I really enjoyed throwing on a back pack and going grocery shopping.  I would arrive at work in a cheerful mood due to all the endorphins running through my body from the exercise!  One day I even rode to work in the pouring rain and had a smile on my face and feeling more at peace than I had ever remembered feeling!  I even found myself turning down the many generous offers to give me a ride.  I was really just happy all the time.

Four weeks into my new lifestyle I was watching a home improvement show.  I remember feeling overwhelmed with joy as I observed the giving and generosity that was taking place.  I cried as I watched a family very much in need be given a new home.  I was thinking about how much good is in the world and how giving people are and felt completely consumed by absolute goodness.

Then...

There was a knock on my door. It was my  neighbor.  She told me that she and her husband have been watching me ride my bike everyday (they knew about my car) and wanted to help.  They had just purchased a new car and wanted to GIVE me their old car!  I almost couldn't believe my ears... but why WOULDN'T I believe my ears!?!  I, only seconds earlier, was proclaiming the generosity and willingness of others to help!

This was a perfect example of the Law Of Attraction working at it's best.  I had a full months accumulation of good feeling thoughts and a profound belief that people are good and helpful!  So that became my reality.

 

The kindness that my neighbor brought to my front door will never be forgotten.  I vowed to myself to never forget how powerful
that moment felt. 

Sometimes we know we want more out of life but are not certain exactly what it is we want.  Sometimes we are so uncertain that we don't even know how to make that list of goals that we know would be so helpful.  Sometimes we make that list and then don't have a clue on how to begin tackling it.  Well, don't you worry.  I am going to help you start right now.

You may not know exactly what it is you want but you do have some idea of how you'd like to feel.  So that is where you start.  You are going to make a list of goals, however, it will be in the form of feelings.  I want you to think about how you feel right now.  If you are having a feeling that you don't like, what is it's opposite. Write that down.  I will give you some examples of feelings that you may enjoy putting on your list of goals.  Use only what you resonate with.

1.  Comfort
2.  Security
3.  Freedom
4.  Joy
5.  Happiness
6.  Peace
7.  Love
8.  Relief

Now you are beginning to let go of resistance.  You have put your focus on better feeling emotions.  To take yourself even further into better feeling emotions, try this.  Choose any word from your list and think about a time you felt that way.  If you can't, then imagine what it would be like to feel that way.  You are now actively practicing the power of letting go! Congratulations! 

The Law Of Attraction is going to work with you as you begin to release more and more resistance!  The right people and the right circumstances will begin to show up in your life!  You will want to pay attention as you start to recognize that new ideas are coming to you! 

More specific goals will begin taking shape and you will be able to more clearly define what they are.  The positive acceleration will begin spilling over into all areas of your life!

...and remember...

When you are not quite sure what to do next, just let go and let life bring you all of the goodness that you ABSOLUTELY deserve!


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